


Firsts and lasts.

by brownieeyes



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, im so sorry about this, it has a happy ending tough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-21 22:15:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2484242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brownieeyes/pseuds/brownieeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Hola Juan, uhm I'm so sorry I shouldn't have called, I'll just uhm I'll let you sleep I'm sorry'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Its 4 am

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first ever fic so im sorry, my writing kinda sucks.

It's 4 am and he can't sleep, he feels empty and alone. The only thing he wants to do is talk to him, see and hold him but he’s 750 miles away, and he knows that even if he were here he´d still have no chance, he had fucked everything up already. Fernando sighs loudly as he gets up and walks to the kitchen holding his phone. He shouldn't call, its late (or too early) and he should just put the phone down and go back to sleep next to his loving wife. He feels a twinge of guilt at that thought but it doesn't stop him from dialing the number and stepping out to the balcony.  
'Hello?' Says a tired voice from the other end of the line, you can hear the sleepiness from the man's voice.  
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Suddenly he doesn’t even know why he’s calling, he doesn’t know how or why he made such a bad decision and he silently curses himself for it. He shouldn't have called, he can hear the man yawning and he can picture him trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes, oh god he should not have called, so many memories are now flooding his mind and he feels empty and he doesn’t even know how he’s made it this far without hearing his voice, and fuck, he’s back to feeling broken and alone.  
'Hola Juan, uhm I'm so sorry I shouldn't have called, I'll just uhm I'll let you sleep I'm sorry'  
'Fernando?'  
'Yeah, again I’m so sorry, I just, I just… God I miss you Juan, so much' tears stinging his eyes and he doesn’t know what made him say this and he’s already regretting it and then he can hear Juan sighing as he says 'I know Fer, me too. God me too, but we agreed not to do this anymore remember? When you said you wanted to take care of your wife and kids? You can't just keep calling me like this' and god it just hurts, it hurts because he knows he’s the reason Juan is in pain, he’s hurting Juan all over again and he swore he would never do that again but he just can´t help himself right now, he doesn’t know why all of a sudden he’s saying all this.  
'But I miss you'  
'That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt'  
'I’m sorry Juan, for everything'  
'Yeah, me too'  
Fernando mumbles something that sounds like 'biggest mistake' and he can now feel the tears rolling down his face, he didn't want this, he didn't want to hurt Juan anymore but right now he was feeling selfish and he just wanted to hear his voice and forget he had ever let this amazing man go, forget how alone and empty he feels without him.  
'What was that?' Fer could hear the sadness in Juan's voice and he knew he should stop taking, stop hurting Juan; but he couldn't, he had to get the words out, maybe it'd make him feel better?  
'Letting you go, that was my biggest mistake' and now Juan was sobbing too and Fernando felt even worse and 'God Juan you have no idea what I'd give to go back to what we had, go back to you. I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love you' Yeah, he still loves Juan, he’s been trying to convince himself that he doesn’t anymore but its practically impossible not to love this amazing person that is Juan. And he loves him more than anything else in this world and it just hurts so bad because he knows he can't have him, he knows that Juan wouldn't take him back because he's hurt him enough, he's hurt him too much, and that kills Fernando.  
'Fer please just stop'  
'I can't'  
'I’m going to hang up now'  
'I love you'  
'Goodbye Fernando'  
And he's crying so much now because he knows he's ruined the best thing that ever happened to him, and he knows he broke Juan and he hates himself for it so he walks back into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of wine and just keeps crying, thinking about this whole thing and what an idiot he was, he kept thinking how he had practically made Juan leave Chelsea when he told him he couldn’t be with him anymore, that Olalla had made him choose and that he had to choose his kids, that he had to try to save his marriage, his family. He hates himself for making that choice now even tough he loves his kids, he loves them more than anything, but without Juan his world is just entirely dark.  
To make things even worse he finds himself thinking about all the happy moments he shared with Juan, he remembers every single one very vividly, every touch, every kiss, every smile on Juan´s face, every time Juan tried to make him breakfast and failed miserably, every night in different hotel rooms around the world, every goal they had shared on the pitch, both for Spain and for Chelsea, and he just couldn’t bear it anymore.  
Soon he's finished the whole bottle and he can't bring himself to go back up to his room, so he walks into his kids’ room and as he watches them sleep he tries to convince himself that he made the right choice, that he can live without Juan's love, that this, his kids, is enough, but he knows its not and he knows he'll never feel as happy as he was when Juan was his.  
He goes to sit on his couch in the living room, eyes swollen, tears still rolling down his face, and he thinks about how Juan was when they were back on La Roja for the world cup, how he should have gotten him back then, how he should have told him then that he still loved him, that he could leave Olalla, but he didn´t. They had been friendly again then, Juan had told him that he understood why he did what he did, and Fernando had asked him if they could still be friends, because he still wanted to have Juan by his side, laughing, happy. He remembers how Juan seemed happy then, how he had probably moved on, and he remembers feeling slightly sad because of that. But they had been friendly enough, they could still talk and hug after their goals, it had been like nothing had ever happened, all memory of their love was just a ghost inside Fernando’s head.  
Fernando was sad, and Sergio had tried to make him talk about it, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell him how he´d lost the love of his life and just shook it of telling him it was because of how badly they were playing.  
´Nando it can’t be just because of that, I know you, you can talk to me, please talk to me´  
´Sese’  
´What happened with Juan?´  
`What do you mean?´  
`Nando, contrary to popular belief I’m not dumb, I know something’s off with you two, so you can tell me about it´  
Fernando broke down and started crying `I messed up Sergio, I completely ruined everything we had´  
`I don’t believe that cariño´  
`Oh but I did, I love him you know? And we were together and everything was perfect, but then Olalla found out and made me choose between her or Juan, so I chose her´  
`Oh Fer´  
`I hurt him, I ruined everything, I should have chosen him, Sese I should have chosen him´  
`Why don’t you talk to him about it, he loves you too, I’m sure you can work it out´  
`I can’t leave my kids Sergio´  
`No, you don’t have to, you can have them, and Juan´  
`She would take them away you know? What if she doesn’t let me see them? I couldn’t live without them´  
`Yeah but you cant live without Juan either´  
`I’ve hurt him enough Sese, besides, he looks happy now, I cant mess him up again´  
`Fer-´`Can we please just not talk anymore please?´  
`Oh Nando come here cariño´ And he had fallen asleep in Sergio´s arms, trying not to think about how Juan felt in his arms, he was just happy Juan was happy.

He had been such an idiot, he knew it, he should have told him right then, and he should have fought for him instead of giving him up so easily. Because now he really didn’t know if he could live without Juan, he needed him by his side, specially now that he felt so alone, like no one believed in him, Juan had always been there to remind him that he was an amazing player, that he was loved. And now he was alone sitting in his couch hating himself for everything, for not being good enough, for not playing good enough, for not scoring goals, but specially for having let Juan go.  
He felt numb, broken, and alone, he couldn’t sleep, he was feeling way too much and everything was just too overwhelming, so he went back to the kitchen and grabbed another wine bottle. It couldn’t hurt right? His life was absolutely terrible right now and he just needed to forget everything; forget he was Fernando Torres, forget he was in love with Juan, forget how much the world expects of him, forget how much of a joke people thought he was, forget he had lost Juan, forget everything. And at the bottom of that second bottle he finally found sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan's side

Juan threw the phone away from him; he couldn’t believe what had just happened, just as he was beginning to let go of Fernando he had to call. Juan snorts, just my luck he thinks. He buries his face on his pillow, he´s still crying because god it hurts so much. And he thinks again about how he should have known better, that he shouldn’t have fallen in love with a married man, a man with children, because he always knew it wasn’t going to end well. But he let himself get carried away because, well, if you had Fernando looking at you with those eyes, how could anyone say no?

 

He´s now thinking about him and he can’t stop, all hopes of going back to sleep completely forgotten. He remembers how a very long time ago, before they were even in Chelsea, Fernando once told him he had feelings for someone else, that he didn’t love Olalla as much. He remembers how shocked he was that this man, Fernando, the epitome of a perfect family man, suddenly didn’t love his wife anymore. And he remembers feeling jealous of this person whose name he didn’t know, because he had wanted Fernando for so long, and he knew he was unattainable. But they talked about it, Fernando never letting Juan know who this mystery person was, but they talked about how Fernando had to stay with his wife and children, he said he couldn’t act on it no matter how badly he wanted it. And Juan understood, slightly relieved because he really didn’t want to think about Fernando with any more people; and then they had gone on to talk about Chelsea, “Come with me Juan, I need you, come to England, please”, and he´d gone, he thought back then that he should really start saying no to Fernando. Now, years later he still couldn’t.

 

Juan could feel the sadness engulfing him all over again. He kept remembering the first time Fernando kissed him, remembering his touch, the feel of his lips, the way he smelled, the way he felt in his arms. Regretting the fact that it had to end, but also feeling awful that he just couldn’t let him go.

 

_They had been at Juan’s apartment in london when it had all started, Fernando was watching Juan try to cook -emphasis on try- and fail miserably, and as Fernando laughed his ass off, he just couldn’t help but think about how much he loved this tiny man in front of him. He gathered all his courage, walked towards Juan, and just kissed him. After years of thinking and fantasizing about this he finally got the nerve to do it, and it was so amazing that Fernando stopped thinking, his head was spinning, he was so incredibly happy at this moment. Juan froze for a second, he couldn’t believe this, he had wanted this for so long his entire world just stopped, he reacted quickly lacing his hands through Fernando’s hair, kissing him back, Fernando moaned loudly and Juan thought this was the most perfect thing ever, surprised that he was the one eliciting this sounds out of Fernando, sounds he had only ever dreamed about hearing. But it was happening, oh god it was happening. He didn’t want to let him go, he thought if he did that this would turn out to be, in fact, a dream and not reality. `Juan, Juan I can’t breathe´ Fernando said chuckling into Juan’s mouth, slightly pulling away and resting his forehead against the midfielder´s, his hands still on his hips holding on to him closely, bodies completely pressed together. `I’m sorry´ Juan blushed furiously and hid his face in Fernando’s chest, the striker kissed the top of his head `Don’t be, god Juan you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this´ and he kissed his cheek, his nose, his forehead, his other cheek, exploring his face with his lips, leaving a trail of kisses, until he came back to his mouth. Taking Juan’s lower lip in between his teeth, nipping and pulling, and god the sounds Juan was making could have driven him over the edge right there and then. He was so in love with the younger man, he didn’t know why he hadn’t done this earlier, way earlier._

_`Really?´ Juan said after a few seconds, slightly confused. He still couldn’t believe that this perfect man that was Fernando could have wanted him._

_`Yes really, ever since I first saw you´ Fernando said with a shy smile._

_`What? Why didn’t you say anything before?´_

_`I was scared you wouldn’t want me´ the striker shrugged, moving his hands up to hold Juan’s neck, looking straight into his beautiful blue eyes,_

_`Fer, how could anyone not want you?´ Juan smiled, and with that, Fernando just couldn’t help but pull him into another passionate kiss, his heart swelling with happiness. When they broke apart Fernando took his hand an led him into the living room `Come on, lets order pizza. I don’t even know why I still let you cook´_

_`Hey don’t make fun of my cooking!´ and he punched him lightly in the stomach `It only happens when you’re here I swear´_

_`Yeah, suuuuuuure´said Fernando, he sat down on the couch and grabbed the phone when suddenly a pillow hit his face `Shut up Nando´ and he sat down next to him `Just order the pizza´_

_`No seriously Juan I’m worried, you burned soup! How does one even burn soup? I really don’t know how you survive´ and at that Juan climbed on top of him and started hitting him with another pillow `Shut. Up. Fer. Nando´ and Fernando was laughing do hard his stomach started aching, but he managed to trap Juan in his arms immobilizing him `I love you Juan´ and he kissed him again, god he really couldn’t get enough of him and he wished they could stay like this forever `So much´. Juan was so shocked, yet another thing he couldn’t believe, he really thought this day might end up being a dream after all `But…´ and Fernando seemed to know what he was trying to say because he said `No, just you, its been that way for a while. But I can’t just get up and leave her, she would take my kids away´ he pulled away a little, a sad look on his face. `I know I’d be asking to much of you, but Juan I love you so much´ and Juan silenced him with an earth shattering kiss, that Fernando thought he could die. `I love you too Nando´ and kissed him again, but this kiss had a different feel to it, things said and feelings out, it was more intimate, more caring, but at the same time more urgent, and with a sense of understanding of one another. `Juan I could keep doing this forever, but I’m kinda starving… and since you burned all the food in this house-´_

_`Just order the damn pizza Fer´ Juan interrupted him with a playful frown on his face. Fernando chuckled and nestled against him. He ordered the pizza while Juan flipped through the TV channels finding something to watch._

Juan was shaken from his thoughts at the sound of his alarm clock. He got out of bed, decided to stop thinking about Fernando once and for all, and went in his bathroom to take a shower. Juan prided himself in being a very composed person, he was always in control of his feelings –or so he liked to believe- but deep down he knew that all he was doing was just hiding them deep inside of him and just avoided thinking about them. It helped it, it really did, but it also meant that he kept people at arms length, never letting them get close enough to hurt him like Fernando did. People always said he was warm and nice and caring and that he was pure sunshine, that he was always willing to help others; because in the end we all know that the nicest people are the ones having the toughest times. When he got out of the shower he looked in the mirror, he looked like hell (felt like hell too). He was dreading going to training, he really needed to impress Van Gaal so he played him more, and that wasn’t happening anytime soon. So he hurried up and went to the training grounds, hoping no one would ask about why he looked so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah im still not happy about this, might write some more  
> thanks for reading:)


	3. Chapter 3

Fernando woke up with a massive headache, in that brief moment of bliss when you wake up and you don’t remember all the shit you’ve done he forgot about his phone call to Juan, but mere seconds later it all hit him again. He groaned and wondered why the house was so quiet, then he looked at the time and figured Anna was taking the kids to school. He got up, poured himself some coffee and headed upstairs to take a shower.

When he got out of the shower he saw Olalla sitting on their bed looking slightly somber and said “I can’t do this anymore Fernando. This, us, I can’t”

“What? Where is this coming from?” Fernando is honestly very confused because this is the same woman who told him that she would never give up on them no matter what.

“Yeah, I’m done. Its like you’re not even here anymore, you’re just walking around looking miserable all the time.” Her expression turns into something kinder as she says, “I know it’s because of him and because I love you I’m letting you go. You deserve to be happy.”

Fernando is so shocked he can’t speak; his mind is spinning because this can’t be happening right? “But, what you said last year…” he trails off because he is very confused and he doesn’t know what to say and he’s worried about what this means, not only for him but for their kids too and-

“Yeah I know, I was wrong. I can see that he makes you happier than anyone ever could. And despite what you might think I don’t want you to be all sad and miserable like you have been. So yeah, we can do this, we’ll figure something out right?”

“But the kids…” Fernando trailed off because well, he didn’t really know what to say. What does one even say in situations like this? “We can share? I don’t know Nando but we’ll figure it out okay? I’ll call a lawyer and we’ll work things out. Are you ok with this?”

Fernando took a deep breath and briefly thought about it and said, “Yes, okay” and Olalla stood up and gently kissed the striker on the cheek “I only want good things for you Fer, really.” And she left the room leaving a very bewildered Fernando alone.

 

He sat down and started actually considering what this meant, because on one hand he was happy because that gave him a glimmer of hope that he might be able to get back together with Juan, maybe actually have a future with him; but on the other hand he didn’t really know if Juan would take him back, what would happen to his kids, his career, this was a massive change he was not prepared for and everything was so scary at the moment, so he just sat there o his bed really thinking about all the possibilities and all that could happen next.

 

***

 

He was standing outside of Juan’s apartment, he was so nervous he had to take some time before he could actually knock on the door. He was shaking, he had practiced what he´d say over and over in his head and all the possible scenarios playing out in his head `stop overthinking. Stop it. ´ he thought to himself, but it really wasn’t helping. No one was answering the door for what felt like it felt like an eternity, he was staring at the floor when the door opened.

“Fernando? What are you doing here?” he said with a bit of an edge to his voice.

“David! Hi I eh, I’m looking for Juan” okay he was really not expecting this and he knew that David and Juan were close and he couldn’t help but think- no, they couldn’t be. He never really considered the fact that Juan might have moved on and found someone else.

“Dave, who is it?” Juan called from inside, he was walking towards the door and his face fell a little as soon as he saw the striker. “Oh.” 

“Hi” Fernando said, he was really freaking out right now. Fuck.

David looked at Juan with a questioning face, Juan seemed to understand what he was asking because he just nodded, not looking totally certain.

“I was just leaving” De Gea said out loud and he kissed Juan´s cheek “Call me ok?” and Juan nodded again, he didn’t really trust himself to speak right now. And as the goalkeeper was walking out he whispered in Fernando’s ear “I swear if you hurt him I will end you.” And he walked away.

Fernando was really scared now. Fuck.

“Come in” Juan sounded hesitant, he was in shock that Fernando was here, in Manchester, in his apartment. Fernando stepped in unsure of what came next, but seeing him was o perfect, he just wanted to hug Juan, kiss him and never let go of him again. He craved for his touch, but he knew that they had to talk first, sort things out, also he didn’t know what was going on with him and David. “Why are you here?” Juan looked shy and insecure.

“Are you and David…?” Fernando trailed off, he didn’t really want to hear the answer, and he knew he had no right to show up here and ask questions like that.

“What? You came all the way to Manchester to ask me that?” Juan looked incredulous.

Fernando looked him in the eye and said, “No, its just..  I, I, uhm I got divorced” and he couldn’t figure out the look in Juan’s eyes. “What?” Juan was so shocked, what was happening?  Was he serious? Was Fernando there because he wanted him back? Where did this come from? Because the Fernando that he knew had made it very clear that divorcing Olalla was impossible and completely out of the picture. Yet here they were, Fernando always managed to astonish him in the greatest of ways.

“Yeah. Well, she realized I was in love with you, maybe too much. And I was miserable, so we decided to end things.” He looked at the floor, unsure of what came next. Juan could not believe this; he was so stunned he couldn’t think straight. “Are you ok? What about your kids? Are they ok?”

“We agreed that they’ll live with her back in Spain, but I can have them on holidays and whenever I want really, it’ll work. Yeah, they took it surprisingly well.”

Juan had an apologetic look on his face, he didn’t see this coming, any of this, but especially not want Fernando did then.

Fernando couldn’t control himself anymore, so he reached forward and grabbed Juan’s neck and kissed him. Juan was really, really not expecting this and he was so confused and he wanted to kiss him, but he really didn’t know what Fernando wanted of him, so he kissed back but he held back a little. Fernando seemed to notice this because he broke apart and muttered “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. Juan I’ve missed you so much, and I know I have no right to just come back here like nothing ever happened and ask you to take me back, but please Juan. I need you.” His eyes were watering now, but he kept going on, “I know what I did was awful and you have no idea how horrible I feel, and I am sorry. I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I was too big of a coward to stand up for what we had, I’m sorry I didn’t fight for us, I’m sorry I always ask to much of you, I’m sorry I gave up so easily, but most of all I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Juan looked like he was on the verge of tears, but he composed himself and quickly thought about what he would say. Juan smiled a little, and his eyes looked kinder. Fernando’s face lit up and Juan´s heart warmed up a little bit more. He knew he loved Fernando more than anything, and hearing him say that it just made him happy, but he still wanted to hear from Fernando what he really wanted, “I still don’t really know what you’re asking of me” his voice faltered but he looked straight into Fernando. “I want you, only you, forever. If you’ll take me back of course.”

This time it was Juan that started the kiss, tentative and slow, like it was the first time they had ever kissed, and maybe in a sort of way it was. “I love you Juan” Fernando hugged him; he didn’t want to let him go, ever. “I love you too Fer. Even if you are kinda crushing me” he laughed a little and Fernando loosened his hold on the tiny man. “Sorry, sorry” Fernando blushed.

“Don’t be.” Juan smiled into Fernando’s chest, he was so happy. They started kissing again for a long time, until Juan pushed Fernando into the nearest wall, kissing, sucking and biting down his neck. He really missed making Fernando moan like this, “Juan-“ The smaller man cut him off by kissing his lips again “Bedroom?”  Juan asked, and Fernando grabbed his legs and pulled him up, carried him all the way to his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i really don't know how to write divorce scenes sorry)  
> also english is not my first language so sorry for all the mistakes
> 
> thanks for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Im not entirely happy about how this turned out, i don't like seeing either of them sad, so i might write more but at the moment im not really sure.  
> comments?:)


End file.
